[Oh, that's low. As expected from himself. After all, is there anyone who hates him more?]
But you aren't Kanoa.
[But it is true, he wouldn't hurt his other self. The one who kept calling him brother and who deserved everything good in life. Who shouldn't go and chase godhood, who should not go and trust the Doctor.]
You have turned into me. [Wanderer could see how the other is grasping his chest, knowing very well that this hurts the other beyond hurting.] Heh, now before I am going to tear your limbs off...tell me, who would you put your trust in more? The man who named you Kanoa? Or the one who made you The Balladeer?
[Really, he'd trust a rabid dog not to bite more than he'd trust Dottore.]
I trust pa-
[And the words get stuck in his throat. He... he used to call him "papa". Names were supposed to be given by a parent, or so he thought when he was younger. He hadn't understood it at the time, but looking back on the memory... the first time he'd called Nanu that, the old man had been so happy. Even if he wasn't present, he didn't want to upset him- but he also didn't deserve to call him that anymore.
In the end, he didn't want to let Nanu down- at least not more than he already was anyway.]
I trust papa...
[He couldn't stop the way his voice cracked as he spoke, or the quiet tears that fell unbidden. He... he wanted his papa again. He wanted to be that child he would hold and assure everything would be fine. He didn't want to be... this. He didn't want to make Nanu sad, but being sad over a broken puppet would be easier for him than having to accept that the "boy" he once loved as his own was a monster.]
[Seeing the other break down aches immensely. So no, no limbs will be torn off now. There's just sadness and pain and everything he hates. Because this is where their paths truly go their different ways.
For himself there's a path that's still unknown and for his other self there's a family. It seems fair. He can live with that.
He wants to move and wipe those tears away but his body seemed to be frozen in time. All he can hear himself say are the same words he's repeating for a while now.]
[He could only shake his head, he couldn’t shake the fear and guilt that so suddenly overwhelmed him.]
I can’t be Kanoa anymore. I’m not him…
[It was as he had said, if he had truly been Kanoa, his broth- his older self would have treated him as such. But he knew.
He knew he was the wretched craven thing that centuries of hatred, abuse, and bitterness had created. He was a fool for trying to pretend he wasn’t.
Normally, he wouldn’t have cared. He’d have simply adapted to survive, no matter how low he had to go, no matter who he had to step in to get there, just as he always had. But now something was wrong. The thought of continuing like that- no, the thought of those here seeing him like that terrified him. Terrified and hurt him.
The only solution he could think of was to end things, if he couldn’t rid himself of this unending pain then perhaps that was the best option. That way no one has to be hurt learning that their little Kanoa was a monster.
So he looked up to the one he’d turned to for guidance so often in their past, the fear, turmoil and pain clear on his face. He did not deserve to call him brother any longer, they were the same after all, but he was who he needed in this moment.]
[Wanderer moves to sit back, hands resting in his lap and not busy with lashing out this time.]
You are going to listen and after that you will get up on your feet and speak to that old man. [Because to him this is that one point. That exact point where their paths will split up. To him the old man and his cats is a mere old man with cats. To his other self the old man is family.] Before you are going to embrace your new name and your new life, there is one important thing you should know. [He is quite sure Kanoa isn't aware of it. That there are two betrayals and not three.]
The friend we share, Niwa, never left us. He had been waiting. [It still hurt. Even though he has faced the fact head on, it still hurt, it still makes him wish that he could undo it.] Dottore killed him and filled our heads with lies. The heart... [The look on his face changes to something between anger and absolute sadness.] ...it belonged to Niwa.
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But you aren't Kanoa.
[But it is true, he wouldn't hurt his other self. The one who kept calling him brother and who deserved everything good in life. Who shouldn't go and chase godhood, who should not go and trust the Doctor.]
You have turned into me. [Wanderer could see how the other is grasping his chest, knowing very well that this hurts the other beyond hurting.] Heh, now before I am going to tear your limbs off...tell me, who would you put your trust in more? The man who named you Kanoa? Or the one who made you The Balladeer?
no subject
[Really, he'd trust a rabid dog not to bite more than he'd trust Dottore.]
I trust pa-
[And the words get stuck in his throat. He... he used to call him "papa". Names were supposed to be given by a parent, or so he thought when he was younger. He hadn't understood it at the time, but looking back on the memory... the first time he'd called Nanu that, the old man had been so happy. Even if he wasn't present, he didn't want to upset him- but he also didn't deserve to call him that anymore.
In the end, he didn't want to let Nanu down- at least not more than he already was anyway.]
I trust papa...
[He couldn't stop the way his voice cracked as he spoke, or the quiet tears that fell unbidden. He... he wanted his papa again. He wanted to be that child he would hold and assure everything would be fine. He didn't want to be... this. He didn't want to make Nanu sad, but being sad over a broken puppet would be easier for him than having to accept that the "boy" he once loved as his own was a monster.]
no subject
For himself there's a path that's still unknown and for his other self there's a family. It seems fair. He can live with that.
He wants to move and wipe those tears away but his body seemed to be frozen in time. All he can hear himself say are the same words he's repeating for a while now.]
What is your name?
no subject
I can’t be Kanoa anymore. I’m not him…
[It was as he had said, if he had truly been Kanoa, his broth- his older self would have treated him as such. But he knew.
He knew he was the wretched craven thing that centuries of hatred, abuse, and bitterness had created. He was a fool for trying to pretend he wasn’t.
Normally, he wouldn’t have cared. He’d have simply adapted to survive, no matter how low he had to go, no matter who he had to step in to get there, just as he always had. But now something was wrong. The thought of continuing like that- no, the thought of those here seeing him like that terrified him. Terrified and hurt him.
The only solution he could think of was to end things, if he couldn’t rid himself of this unending pain then perhaps that was the best option. That way no one has to be hurt learning that their little Kanoa was a monster.
So he looked up to the one he’d turned to for guidance so often in their past, the fear, turmoil and pain clear on his face. He did not deserve to call him brother any longer, they were the same after all, but he was who he needed in this moment.]
…brother, what do I do?
no subject
You are going to listen and after that you will get up on your feet and speak to that old man. [Because to him this is that one point. That exact point where their paths will split up. To him the old man and his cats is a mere old man with cats. To his other self the old man is family.] Before you are going to embrace your new name and your new life, there is one important thing you should know. [He is quite sure Kanoa isn't aware of it. That there are two betrayals and not three.]
The friend we share, Niwa, never left us. He had been waiting. [It still hurt. Even though he has faced the fact head on, it still hurt, it still makes him wish that he could undo it.] Dottore killed him and filled our heads with lies. The heart... [The look on his face changes to something between anger and absolute sadness.] ...it belonged to Niwa.
[Slowly he moves to stand up.]
Go see your family.