[He could only shake his head, he couldn’t shake the fear and guilt that so suddenly overwhelmed him.]
I can’t be Kanoa anymore. I’m not him…
[It was as he had said, if he had truly been Kanoa, his broth- his older self would have treated him as such. But he knew.
He knew he was the wretched craven thing that centuries of hatred, abuse, and bitterness had created. He was a fool for trying to pretend he wasn’t.
Normally, he wouldn’t have cared. He’d have simply adapted to survive, no matter how low he had to go, no matter who he had to step in to get there, just as he always had. But now something was wrong. The thought of continuing like that- no, the thought of those here seeing him like that terrified him. Terrified and hurt him.
The only solution he could think of was to end things, if he couldn’t rid himself of this unending pain then perhaps that was the best option. That way no one has to be hurt learning that their little Kanoa was a monster.
So he looked up to the one he’d turned to for guidance so often in their past, the fear, turmoil and pain clear on his face. He did not deserve to call him brother any longer, they were the same after all, but he was who he needed in this moment.]
[Wanderer moves to sit back, hands resting in his lap and not busy with lashing out this time.]
You are going to listen and after that you will get up on your feet and speak to that old man. [Because to him this is that one point. That exact point where their paths will split up. To him the old man and his cats is a mere old man with cats. To his other self the old man is family.] Before you are going to embrace your new name and your new life, there is one important thing you should know. [He is quite sure Kanoa isn't aware of it. That there are two betrayals and not three.]
The friend we share, Niwa, never left us. He had been waiting. [It still hurt. Even though he has faced the fact head on, it still hurt, it still makes him wish that he could undo it.] Dottore killed him and filled our heads with lies. The heart... [The look on his face changes to something between anger and absolute sadness.] ...it belonged to Niwa.
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no subject
I can’t be Kanoa anymore. I’m not him…
[It was as he had said, if he had truly been Kanoa, his broth- his older self would have treated him as such. But he knew.
He knew he was the wretched craven thing that centuries of hatred, abuse, and bitterness had created. He was a fool for trying to pretend he wasn’t.
Normally, he wouldn’t have cared. He’d have simply adapted to survive, no matter how low he had to go, no matter who he had to step in to get there, just as he always had. But now something was wrong. The thought of continuing like that- no, the thought of those here seeing him like that terrified him. Terrified and hurt him.
The only solution he could think of was to end things, if he couldn’t rid himself of this unending pain then perhaps that was the best option. That way no one has to be hurt learning that their little Kanoa was a monster.
So he looked up to the one he’d turned to for guidance so often in their past, the fear, turmoil and pain clear on his face. He did not deserve to call him brother any longer, they were the same after all, but he was who he needed in this moment.]
…brother, what do I do?
no subject
You are going to listen and after that you will get up on your feet and speak to that old man. [Because to him this is that one point. That exact point where their paths will split up. To him the old man and his cats is a mere old man with cats. To his other self the old man is family.] Before you are going to embrace your new name and your new life, there is one important thing you should know. [He is quite sure Kanoa isn't aware of it. That there are two betrayals and not three.]
The friend we share, Niwa, never left us. He had been waiting. [It still hurt. Even though he has faced the fact head on, it still hurt, it still makes him wish that he could undo it.] Dottore killed him and filled our heads with lies. The heart... [The look on his face changes to something between anger and absolute sadness.] ...it belonged to Niwa.
[Slowly he moves to stand up.]
Go see your family.