[He could only shake his head, he couldn’t shake the fear and guilt that so suddenly overwhelmed him.]
I can’t be Kanoa anymore. I’m not him…
[It was as he had said, if he had truly been Kanoa, his broth- his older self would have treated him as such. But he knew.
He knew he was the wretched craven thing that centuries of hatred, abuse, and bitterness had created. He was a fool for trying to pretend he wasn’t.
Normally, he wouldn’t have cared. He’d have simply adapted to survive, no matter how low he had to go, no matter who he had to step in to get there, just as he always had. But now something was wrong. The thought of continuing like that- no, the thought of those here seeing him like that terrified him. Terrified and hurt him.
The only solution he could think of was to end things, if he couldn’t rid himself of this unending pain then perhaps that was the best option. That way no one has to be hurt learning that their little Kanoa was a monster.
So he looked up to the one he’d turned to for guidance so often in their past, the fear, turmoil and pain clear on his face. He did not deserve to call him brother any longer, they were the same after all, but he was who he needed in this moment.]
no subject
I can’t be Kanoa anymore. I’m not him…
[It was as he had said, if he had truly been Kanoa, his broth- his older self would have treated him as such. But he knew.
He knew he was the wretched craven thing that centuries of hatred, abuse, and bitterness had created. He was a fool for trying to pretend he wasn’t.
Normally, he wouldn’t have cared. He’d have simply adapted to survive, no matter how low he had to go, no matter who he had to step in to get there, just as he always had. But now something was wrong. The thought of continuing like that- no, the thought of those here seeing him like that terrified him. Terrified and hurt him.
The only solution he could think of was to end things, if he couldn’t rid himself of this unending pain then perhaps that was the best option. That way no one has to be hurt learning that their little Kanoa was a monster.
So he looked up to the one he’d turned to for guidance so often in their past, the fear, turmoil and pain clear on his face. He did not deserve to call him brother any longer, they were the same after all, but he was who he needed in this moment.]
…brother, what do I do?